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Joke of the Day

"Me: this is shit, I'm changing the channel Wife: leave the baby monitor alone"

"What does a runner lose after winning a race? His breath."

"[Siri Beta] What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an alien? A mars-upial"

"I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time."

"I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now."

"To all you single ladies out there, as winter slowly approaches I am offering you a good high quality man blanket for this winter. Claim me now while supplies last. . ."

"Why did the unfaithful Arabic woman cross the road? To get to the other Sayid."

"How do you get an emo out of a tree? Cut the rope imsosorry:("

"I put my phone on airplane mode. Now I can't find it."

"Why does MLK only get one day, while sharks get an entire week? I guess it's because they're great whites..."