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Joke of the Day

"COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let's check upsta-- GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs"

"What's the difference between a good joke and me not giving a shit? Fuck you"

"Don't have your phone number posted on FB if you don't want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted."

"If you watch Cinderella backwards.. It's about a woman who learns her place."

"What is the ideal weight for a lawyer? About 3 pounds, including the urn."

"The woman next to me on this roller-coaster won't stop screaming and shouting. It's like she's never seen a man trimming his pubes before!"

"Mind: Does a flying dream sound good tonight? Me: Yea! Mind: Horrific shadow demon it is. Me: But I thought-? Mind: Don't worry, it can fly."

"What do black Eskimos live in? A nigloo."

"[in bed] M: Do that thing I like H: NO M: Please? H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES"

"Describe your latest laid with a movie title! ""The Lone Ranger"" ""Home Alone"" ""Bend It Like Beckham"" Now it's your turn!"