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Joke of the Day
"How is an elephant like a wristwatch? They both come in quartz."
Next Joke
"*girl smokes weed 1 time doesnt even get high* *spends next 3 days drawing mushrooms with highlighters*"
"Can anyone tell me.... If I posted the joke about Alzheimers? I can't remember if I did."
"If you're with me when I die, remember 2 things: 1) Do Not Resuscitate 2) Smash Phone on Ground"
"What kind of bees can you get milk from? Boobies!"
"Today I extended an olive branch to my enemy. As hard as I could and right in the eye."
"My daughter is making a documentary on the invention of the telephone, for a school project. I remember the time I did that, in middle school. Rings A Bell."
"[Starbucks intercom] ""Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking."""
"My girlfriend is kind of like Pandora. Everyone once and a while I just have to let it know I'm still listening even though its all just noise at this point."
"GUY FIERI: ""Just saying, I'm open all week if anybody requests me."" MAKE-A-WISH FOUNDATION OPERATOR: ""Stop fucking calling."""