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Joke of the Day

"I hurt my foot the other day. My heel can't support any weight. But I haven't got to see a doctor yet. I'm just tiptoeing around the issue."

"It's weird that gasoline smells good but tastes amazing"

"A family books a room in a hotel... ... The father goes and says to the receptionist and says I hope the pornography is disabled here and the receptionist goes its normal pornography you sick bastard."

"I met a guy today with a huge tumor... It was tho growth."

"I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime."

"What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I'm the reason he passed calculus..."

"I call bullshit on all the times I've talked to strangers and they've not offered me candy."

"A man asks his friend on skype.. ""Is that a condom on your hand?"" the friend replies "" no Its a fucking glove"". The man replies ""Thats exactly what i am saying""."

"God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can't even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference"

"What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken."