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Joke of the Day

"Beginning to worry that, on my deathbed, I'm going to be just lying there, refreshing twitter."

"Two blondes are standing in opposite sides of the river. One yells: - HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SHORE?! The other answers: - YOU ARE IN THE OTHER SHORE!"

"Women are like credit cards The ones I really want have a low interest and won't qualify me, so I get stuck with one that has a high interest, extra fees and no rewards. *(credit: Uncyclopedia)*"

"Hey, say what you want about pedophiles... ...at least they slow down in school zones."

"DOCTOR: If you don't exercise, there's really no point in dieting. ME: I can't wait to tell my wife the good news."

"I bought a vacant piece of land recently, and every night someone keeps depositing soil on the land. I still can't figure out who it is. The plot thickens."

"Being sick and tired of all the excess fat, one day I decided to burn it off. And then I started running... ..from the police for setting my wife on fire."

"The scariest part of the show ""I didn't know I was pregnant"" is that there are enough of these women to sustain an entire series."

"Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I'm the jerk."

"i guess my favorite book would haveta be ""being and nothingness""... i was halfway done before i even started reading."