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Joke of the Day

"Why do successful lettuce farmers always get women? Because everyone knows they give good *head*."

"I finally decided I want to be a car mechanic. Guess it just took some motor-vation."

"[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] ""I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I'M DIVORCING YOU"""

"Am I gay? Damn straight I am."

"Q: How do astronomers organize a party? **They planet.**"

"On a scale from one to one hundred, how mature are you? 69."

"woke this morning with a thin white thread hanging from my mouth Hoped for a teabag"

"I've always got women knocking on my door... Sometimes I let them out."

"She's marrying HIM?! TODAY?! *cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*"

"A doctor to his patient. Doctor: Sir, we have some good news and some bad news, the good news is that you've got a day left to live, the bad news is I forgot to tell you that yesterday."