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Joke of the Day

"Guy calls his doctor... He says, ""I figured out what's been causing the pain, doc. Avocado!"" Doctor: ""Did you research that?"" Guy: ""No, I just pulled it out of my ass"""

"Did you hear a bunch of surgeons are at the comedy club? It's open Mike night."

"Instead of ""the John,"" I call my toilet ""the Jim."" That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning."

"When you want them, they don't want you. When they want you, you don't want them. When you both want each other, something fucks it up."

"Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper."

"eer booze and fun!' 'I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me."

"The worst part about by dad driving his hummer through a river was it was not his most expensive mistake. I was. It was me. I was the most expensive mistake."

"Two wrongs don't make a right. And two half-wits don't make a wit."

"wow american really nailed the demographic of the 6am business traveler with the in flight movie selection of madagascar 3"

"[at SunMaid farms with a guy] Guy: so is this a date? Girl:... No? These are raisins"