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Joke of the Day

"People who say they're 'living in the moment' must be hitting the refresh button like a motherfucker."

"If Trump wins I'm leaving the country if Clinton wins I'm leaving the country Not a political post, I just love to travel."

"How did the set react when it heard about the Russell Paradox? It couldn't contain itself."

"Rihanna knows that diamonds are buried in volcanic rocks and those beautiful things in the sky are just hot balls of gas, right?"

"If any pandas are reading this: neat!"

"What two words have the most letters? Post office."

"What's it called when a smell dates his sister? Incense!"

"Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he's calling me to sell Amway products.."

"Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog? Stranger: He's over there! Oh thank God! [steals little boy's corndog and runs away]"

"""David you're late again!"" ""Sorry boss.."" [cut to: me running on all fours through a forest chasing deer] ""...traffic"""