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Joke of the Day

"What did the cop say to the doughnut as he ate it? Rest in **police**."

"Why do all chicken coupes have two doors? Because if they had four doors they would be sedans."

"Babe are you a new software update? Because not now."

"I completely understand parents who choose not to vaccinate their children... ...because they all got vaccinated as children, and obviously turned out retarded."

"Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell ""SPOILER ALERT!"""

"Whenever I'm drinking gatorade and wearing gym clothes I wonder if people think I'm exercising or if they know I'm hungover on laundry day."

"Officer: Soldier do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Soldier do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No SIR!"

"Before tea-baggers, there were two-baggers. Two-bagger: a woman so ugly you wouldn't do her unless she had two bags over her head, in case one tore."

"If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, ""Quit while your ahead""?!"

"Boyfriend Joke To GF Today, I had to appear in court. My boyfriend gave me a chocolate to eat for comfort. The quote on the wrapper read ""Today, you are exactly where you should be."""