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Joke of the Day

"Alcohol is like liquid Photoshop for real life."

"4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday? Me: You could get me a ""world's best dad"" mug. 4: You told me not to lie."

"If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line."

"*first date* Me: Tell me more about you Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN'T STABBED ANYONE LATELY Me: *deletes Tinder* Let's get married!"

"Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981."

"Thank you all for the Happy Birthday wishes!!! Had a GREAT DAY!!! (didn't read a single one)"

"Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down a hill and turned into a field"

"They agreed upon 'almond milk' when the original name flavoured nut water was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason..."

"What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? dam"

"Have homeless dudes tried just running a comb through their hair?"