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Joke of the Day

"Once i did the ""is your dad a terrorist?, because you are a bomb.."" line to a muslim girl. Totally blew up in my face"

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. He died."

"[2 Years into Cosmetology School] Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?"

"What do you call a bitchy midget who can get to places quickly? A shortcunt."

"[Last supper] Jesus: Same time next week guys? *they all nod* Judas: I'll book a table for 12 Jesus: you mean 13 Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13"

"What am I doing today? Well I forgot my headphones so probably murders."

"I want to die like my grandfather did Quiet and peacefully, unlike the screaming passengers in his car."

"I had a joke about wet floors but it must have slipped my mind"

"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? An unoriginal joke"

"ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills] SON: I lost a tooth. I'm gonna leave it under my pillow tonight. ME: I'd wait until next week."