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Joke of the Day

"College doesn't prepare you for holding in farts in the workplace."

"[running from a knife wielding murderer] oh hell yeah, my Fitbit steps are gonna be OFF THE SCALE today"

"I'm sick of all of the Irish stereotypes... As soon as I finish this drink I'm punching someone"

"I cast a spell on a girl today and it actually worked! I focused in on the girl and said ""Virginus Protectus."" It worked because she walked away with a terrified look on her face."

"I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car."

"Do you need a bag? I had just bought a box of condoms when the cashier asked, ""Do you need a bag?"" I replied, ""No, she's not that ugly."""

"I have this thing where I like to take a crap with the door open. Unfortunately, not everyone at Starbucks feels the same way."

"What did the fish say when it rammed into a wall? Dam!"

"I'm white. But I'm not NASCAR fan white."