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Joke of the Day

"Thanks for telling me this is your ""pet cat"" because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat."

"Before Midnight on New Years Eve, I raised my Left Foot off the Ground So I could be sure to start 2016 on the right foot"

"What's George Washington's favorite song. Doesn't matter, just as long as it's royalty-free."

"Me: hey what's this weird lump? WebMD: could be cancer. Me: it's a raisin stuck to my elbow... WebMD: you have two weeks."

"Sorry I called you ""sexy"" and didn't really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza."

"Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near..... Because your an asshole that's why, dickweed"

"If you wear a ship's captain's hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs."

"What do you call an Asian pothead? Tao Lee"

"Poker Face. But I barely know her!"

"TIFU by posting in the wrong subreddit"