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Joke of the Day

"Rather than buy a gun, I've been studying ""Home Alone"" and now defend my home with marbles and old gangster movies."

"My wife thinks my obsession with conspiracy theories is getting out of control. I wonder how much money the government paid her to say that?"

"Did you hear about the guy who lived in a tyre? He got a puncture and now he lives in a Flat "

"Your favorite one liner/quick joke? When bored at work I snapchat jokes to friends. Need new material. Could use your favorite short joke."

"What did the closed can say to the half opened can? YOU'RE BEING UNCANNY!"

"I kissed a girl in the club and she said, ""Oh my God, you've been smoking. It's just like licking an ashtray."" ""You non-smokers have some funny habits,"" I replied."

"Airport receptionist: anything to declare? Me: how bout these guns? *flexes* Her: OH GOD HE'S GOT GUNS! Me: wait.. I was.. Her: HELP!! AGH!"

"My Father was never proud of me One day he asked me, ""how old are you."" I said, ""I'm five"" he said,""when I was your age, I was six"""

"No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse."

"""Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin' awesome."" - Pew Pew Pew Research Center"