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Joke of the Day

"Rather than buy a gun, I've been studying ""Home Alone"" and now defend my home with marbles and old gangster movies."

"wife: Did you work late? [flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending] me:Yep"

"""Daddy, are we poor?"" Compared to the vast majority of humans on earth? No. ""Compared to my friends?"" Oh yes, sweety. As the very dirt."

"Three men walk into a bar, what's missing? The joke! Usually one would introduce this one with: ""I'm gonna tell you a joke"" - but since we are in /r/jokes here, the setup should be ok."

"I wanted to become a dictator... but I was only partially qualified."

"What's the difference between your mom and a washing machine? If I dump a load in a washing machine it doesn't follow me around for the next few weeks."

"DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection ME: wow, I feel like I'm in a DATE: no ME: mewseum DAD: *nods his approval*"

"Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you're not the h in chameleon."

"What do you call a zombie Storm Trooper? An Imperial Walker"

"A sausage and an egg in a frying pan..... The sausage says to the egg: 'fucking hell its hot in here.' The egg says to the sausage: 'fucking hell, a talking sausage.'"