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Joke of the Day

"Why dont applebees employees wear watches? Cuz theres a clock on the microwave"

"MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of? WIFE: I just...[sobbing]...don't want the kids to suffer ME: Eels"

"If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy."

"What do you called being pepper sprayed at UC Davis? Occupational hazard."

"At least you'll be able to watch Jeremy Clarkson on Dave for the next 12 years."

"The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you'd almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds."

"A boy to his mother: Do you know how much suffering the poor beast had to endure for you to get this fur coat? My boy, you mustn't talk so disrespectfully about your father."

"I lost my virginity when I was in high school, which was awesome... however I was home schooled."

"My dad's bread factory burnt down Now his business is toast"

"How many Suh Dude's does it take to change a lightbulb? None it's already lit fam suh"