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Joke of the Day

"I'm at work for another hour and my phone's at 14%. If I don't make it to the end of the day, tell all my friends, ""Not much u"""

"I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am.... Independent"

"what do you call it when 3 muppets have sex together? - Mena Menage a trois"

"Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired."

"Son: Dad, I just had sex. Dad: Good job son, sit down, we need to talk about something. Son: I can't."

"Now that pinterest, instagram and netflix are down, I think I'm just going to spend the weekend learning the names of my children."

"What do you call a group of birds that stick together? Vel-crows. You're welcome."

"I'm going to change my name to Benefits' Now when you add me on Facebook it will say ""You are now friends with benefits."""

"In all the alternate universes, in how many is Kim Kardashian super famous and in how many did she just get fired from a Wells Fargo?"

"My wife and I couldn't have a baby so we decided to go to an adoption agency. I was so excited while I was in there. It made me happy to think that I could finally take off the baby on board sticker."