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Joke of the Day

"i know i'm getting old because i'm grumpy, i sleep early, and the devil appears with an empty hourglass whenever i shut my medicine cabinet"

"I heard Iran is supposed to do well at the olympics this year They're the bomb"

"If I were British these tweets would be worth 1.61 times as much."

"A man walks into a pet shop and says: ""Give me a wasp."" The shopkeeper replies: ""We don't sell wasps."" He says: ""There's one in the window."

"What do you call a gay drive-by? A fruit roll up."

"I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don't care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit"

"A man purchases a kitten, which he's having trouble house breaking. What does his friend say when he comes to visit? Your house is quite the cat-ass-trophy."

"I think my optometrist is falling in love with me... Every time I leave his office he hands me a sample of contact solution and says, ""Eye care for you"""

"When I found out the murderer dismembered the victim, It really tore me into pieces."

"Not to 1up you but *drops green mushroom on your head*"