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Joke of the Day

"Ever since I swallowed a watch I've been keeping myself busy taking laxitives, eating lots of fruit and drinking prune juice. Anything to pass the time."

"""Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today."" Woman: ""EXCUSE ME?!"" [whispers]""Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."""

"I'm not convinced faith can move mountains, but I know what it can do to skyscrapers. (Come on, it's been 15 years.)"

"I looked out the window earlier and the sky was bright green. I thought, 'I've got the fucking plane upside down."""

"How does a deaf and dumb tell a secret to another one? He wears mittens."

"How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? 2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a camel toe, a bunch of hares and a fish no one can find."

"What do you call a spy who is into BDSM? James Bondage."

"How can you make a small fortune? start with a big one"

"What crime did the impotent rapist commit? Viagra-vated Assault."

"Did you hear about the lesbian construction company? There are no studs, it's all tongue and groove . . ."