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Joke of the Day

"Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions."

"Just been confronted by my next door neighbour, apparently there's been items going missing from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants!"

"Singin' in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin' on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself."

"How can you face you problem ..if your problem is your face"

"There once was a man from Nantucket... ...who started a poem then said ""fuck it."""

"One idiot said to the other ""You know there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't."

"I tried Haggis for the first time today... It tasted offal!"

"I just laid on my cat's keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation."

"What do you call... What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your wall? Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin? A DICK in your mouth!"

"I caught my girlfriend giving a midget a blowjob... ...I can't believe she'd stoop that low."