55672

Joke of the Day

"alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, ""why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"""

"10% luck... 20% skill 15% concentrated power of will 5% pleasure 50% pain 100% reason to remember *the game.*"

"I just flew in from Nova Scotia and boy, are my arms tired... From jacking it in first class the whole way."

"milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw"

"What does an egg say at a party? omelette"

"2 interesting facts about me * 1) My dick is not as big as a footlong at Subway * 2) I'm no longer allowed in Subway"

"Got a great book of Ebay ""How To Improve Your memory"" But for the life of me I can not remember where I left the fucking thing"

"Vegetarian curry is like lesbian sex. Same amount of heat, none of the meat."

"[watching lion king] TIMON: hakuna matata ME: *whispering to date* that means no worries TIMON: it means no worries ME: see?"

"Allstate just sent me a safe driver bonus check for 73 cents so I guess good things do happen to good people."