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Joke of the Day

"Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I'm gonna have to maul the shit out of you."

"The new Tattoo parlor across the street is free if you show boobs... ...Tit for tat."

"What is Harper Lee's favorite alcoholic drink? A Tequila Mockingbird."

"Why is there so much blood in my alcohol system?"

"I like my women like just like my cars 12 years old and made in Japan Edit: Made in the 90's and topless in the summer?"

"[restaurant] *patpatpat* ME: you hear that? *patpatPATPAT* DATE: what the [penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish] CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM"

"One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day."

"What restaurant does a fast food worker/hacker work at? HackDonalds."

"If I'm on a date and can't think of anything to say I just make it look like I'm busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is"

"Why is it always so sunny in Firefly and Serenity? Because they only have one season."