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Joke of the Day

"Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I'm gonna have to maul the shit out of you."

"Yesterday I tried to loosen a rusty lug nut... But it didn't turn out."

"I took a biology exam the other day. The test asked me to list two things that are commonly found in cells. Apparently blacks and mexicans was not the right answer."

"Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks"

"99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets. It doesn't mean we aim for the sky. It means, we don't start work unless our tail is on fire"

"My least favorite thing about babies is how they don't understand it's the weekend."

"Some of you talk more than my wife. The good news is I can just unfollow you instead of burying you in the back yard to shut you up."

"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. In the end you wish you had a club and a spade."

"I knew the Psychic was a phony as soon as she accepted my check."

"Australians don't have sex.. ...they mate."