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Joke of the Day

"Build-A-Bear won't let you stuff your animal with asbestos or bees so what's the point"

"so m'lady walks into a bar ouch."

"The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion."

"What's 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? Donald Trump's tie."

"Boss: Can you look this up? Me: (munching on donut) Internet's closed. Boss: Oh. Me: Yeah, I think they're vacuuming it or something."

"Q. What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? A. The 1995 Hide and Seek World Champion."

"I asked the lady from the collection agency out on a date. She turned me down, but keeps calling. I told her I'm too old for games."

"Judge: *whispering* pls stop introducing yourself like this just because u work in my chambers it doesn't m- Me: YES HI IM HIS CHAMBERMAID"

"If the world's fate ever hangs on my mom opening a picture mail on her phone in under ten minutes, we are all doomed."

"Me: That guy is a bad apple. 6-year-old: He's a person. Me: I just meant he's mean. 6: Probably because you called him an apple."