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Joke of the Day

"I read in the 1930's teething babies were given cocaine. Ridiculous! If they had tooth ache they probably didn't even want to party."

"A woman ran out of toothpicks... Woman: Nanny! Why do we always ran out of toothpicks? Nanny: I don't know maam. I always return it after using."

"I was walking downtown, and I passed this homeless man who started shaking his cup of change at me and I was like, okay, dick, I get it, you have more money than me, don't rub it in."

"What do you call a fake friend? a faux!"

"""ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!"" -captain of the Titanic"

"From my gf Me: What are you planning on doing on MLK day? Her: I plan on sleeping all day Me: ...Why? Her: I want to have dreams too"

"I'd be more inclined to get in a stranger's van if he was offering free wifi instead of candy."

"How many house flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just the standard two, but I'll be damned if I know how they got in there."

"Yes you impress me. But so does a squirrel crossing a telephone wire."

"(Best New Pick Up Line) How much does a polar bear weigh? Like a thousand pounds. Read a fuckin' book."