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Joke of the Day

"[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you'll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings"

"How do you distinguish a French tank from a British tank? The rear-view mirrors"

"What is the cheapest way to blindfold an Asian? Dental floss."

"A man goes into a library and asks for a book on cliffhangers. The librarian says...."

"There are two rules for success... 1) Don't tell all you know"

"You know who brings a knife to a gun fight? Cannibals. And also a fork."

"What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne doesn't come onto a boy's face until he's 13."

"Hey Egypt: Try unplugging your modem for 30 seconds then plugging it back in. Trust me."

"RT if you've followed someone on twitter and then realized you hate them."

"An impressed man and his friend. Man: ""'Wow, you're omniscient!"" Friend: ""What does that mean?"" Man: ""Nevermind."""