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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic... But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord."

"Accidentally called 911 Set my house on fire to not look stupid."

"Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss."

"What is the difference between animal abuse and animal cruelty? . . . The size of your dick."

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years Then we met."

"The best way to eat Welsh cheese? Caerphilly."

"Twitter is an amazing source of useful information, the way a haystack is an amazing source of needles."

"The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty."

"So I just flashed my hard drive. Though why showing my computer my schlong is meant to speed it up I'll never know."

"I asked my mate what he was going to get his mum for Mothers' day. ""Nothing!"" he said. ""Why do they get a whole day to themselves, why can't we have a Son Day?"" We do mate, it comes after Saturday."