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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a man on your porch? Mat. I neglected to mention he has no arms or legs."

"[hospital] ""The results are in. I'm afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live."" But does my hair look good?"

"What is the difference between you and school tomorrow? I'm not going to come into school tomorrow."

"Thank you for saying, ""I'm just being honest"" after that horrible thing you just said. I feel better now that I know you meant it."

"Me: Whatcha doing on the PC? Daughter: Looking at peckers. M: WHAT?!? D: Science project on chickens. M: Oh. D: You walked RIGHT into that."

"The best time to leave the country is when a demonic voice screams your name from inside a locked basement"

"Why can't a Pirate make it through their ABC's? They always get lost at C."

"What did one casket say to the other? ""Is that you coffin?"""

"Have you heard the one about the constipated mathematician? He had to work it out with a pencil"

"Two reasons i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone 1)I don't have an iPhone 2)I don't have a girlfriend."