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Joke of the Day

"So a sloth got robbed by 3 turtles... When the cops asked him what happened the sloth said, It. all. happened. so. fast."

"""I do not negotiate with terrorists!"" said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children."

"Did you hear about the guy who died after eating chicken? The meat was fowl."

"I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary... ...What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous."

"how do you know asians have broken into your home? the dog is gone, the homework is done and they're still trying to get out of the driveway"

"Girl, did you fall out of heaven? Cause you're showing signs of deranged cognitive abilities in your brain highly suggestive of Post-concussion syndrome."

"Do you know why Cannibals don't eat divorced women? Because they're bitter."

"Teen Joke Teacher:"" What comes after 69?"" Student:"" Mouthwash."" Teacher:""Get out."""

"What's the difference between an immigrant & a book? One of them has papers."

"How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2 but how did they get in there?"