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Joke of the Day

"just told my kid ""you're not going to die if you try a piece of lamb"" and she said ""yeah, i'm going to die anyway"""

"Why do tigers have stripes? They don't want to be spotted."

"Cop: do you know why I pulled u over? Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there Cop:.... Me:.. Cop: sir, your tailamp is out Me:..."

"Why shouldn't you play American football with feminists? Because they'll constantly shift the goal posts."

"My husband is half Mexican half Polish. Last week he stole his own hubcaps."

"Did you know that in any given group, only 9/10 of people understand basic math? The other 3% doesn't."

"Two Irishmen walk out of a bar... What, it could happen..."

"Me: What are your plans for tonight? 13: Think I'll hang out with you and mom. Me: Goddammit...uh I mean that's great."

"How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? You put it in the microwave until its bill withers."

"I spent over an hour at my wife's grave yesterday... whew, that was the longest I've ever lasted"