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Joke of the Day

"Once again, overheard my 13yo tell someone that I was born in the 1900s. Now I want to hide under the covers and stab all her teddy bears."

"U.S. vending machines to begin displaying calorie information to encourage smarter snack choices. Machines' reflective glass surface not doing the trick."

"To much precaution... Two security guards obtained me at the airport after they opened my luggage and found some IcyHot patches, they said: I was packing heat."

"""You only want my daughter for one thing!"" yelled my girlfriend's mother. ""That's your fault for not teaching her to cook,"" I said."

"Q: What kind of limes open doors? A: Key limes."

"My parrot lays square eggs but can only say one word. What's that? Ouch!"

"why do gorillas have big nostrils? Big fingers!!!"

"Soda What do you call a soda that was beat up in a fight? CREAMED SODA"

"Why do Nuns always wear Black & White? No particular reason, it's just a habit they have."

"""I have $50, less than an hour, and a ton of cocaine. Let's make a commercial!"" - every furniture store owner"