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Joke of the Day

"Understand men, or die trying. Or try dying. Or quit trying. Or lie crying. Or cry tweeting. Or tweet trying, to understand men."

"I like my coffee like I like my women... Black and made by my dad."

"The Most Hipster Job Of All Time Is... Being a Mortician. Morticians are so hipster that their work doesn't get more popular; instead it just goes further underground."

"My dad came into my room the other night as I was getting ready for a date He sat me down, handed me a condom, looked me in the eyes and said, ""Son, don't make the same mistakes I did."""

"What's the difference between you and eggs? Eggs get laid and you don't."

"I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high... ...she seemed surprised."

"Why do melons have to get married in a church? Because they cantaloupe."

"I'm sitting in a bar, minding my own business, when a guy yells in my ear, ""I'm gonna fuck your mother!"" I turn around and say, ""go home dad, you're drunk again."""

"No plastic surgeon will help me! I have really giant hands and I'd like to make them smaller, but every time I ask the doctor for a hand-job I get kicked out."

"People are always telling me I don't have friends, but they're wrong. I have all 10 seasons on DVD."