49507

Joke of the Day

"Use ""damn it"" instead of ""dammit,"" but avoid cursing unless OH SHIT DAMN IT WHO FORGOT TO GET FUCKING COFFEE."

"A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic."

"The girl on the stripper pole got mad because I gave her a monopoly dollar, well fake boobs, fake hair, fake nails gets fake dollars!"

"I like my coffee that way i like my slaves... Free"

"Why isn't Sonic the Hedgehog Muslim? Because once Ramadan is over, he can't stop fasting!"

"[guy next to me at urinal] ""Is that a 5 or 6?"" ...about 5-1/2 I guess. ""Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?"" *zips up* No."

"Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Er two. Or maybe one. No --- on second thoughts make that two. Is that okay with you?"

"Some people say ""If you can't beat them, join them"". I say ""If you can't beat them, beat them"", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise."

"HITMAN: Who's the target? ME: [slides photo across table] HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek? ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse"

"There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris."