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Joke of the Day

"Me: Goodnight moon Moon: night. Me: What? Moon: nothing. It's fine. Me: You're acting distant Moon: I'm 238,900 miles away"

"Do you know what he was be for he was Putin ? he was Stalin."

"Why couldn't the Geordie go above the seventh floor in the tower block? He had a fear of eights"

"Why are blood oranges the only ""blood"" fruit? Why not blood bananas? Who wouldn't like to slurp down a nice ripe blood banana?"

"What's a blind mans worst fear ? A prius"

"When it's cold out I wear my UGG boots. When it's frustrating out I wear my UGH boots."

"I literally use figuratively in literally every occasion where I am literally speaking figuratively."

"I've easily spent 12% of my life chuckling at my own jokes and being grossed out by my own body. Also, I like random percentages."

"*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat* Uber driver: ""Where to?"" Me: ""oh, nowhere. I just don't like to change my diaper in the street."""

"Why are so many people in San Francisco homeless? They can't afford an apartment because they only make 50 grand per year."