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Joke of the Day

"Asian gangs, also known as study groups.."

"When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don't move, it can't see me."

"Did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!"

"My wife's friend's baby always cries when her mom leaves the room. My son just laughs at her. Proud father of a douchebag."

"If someone ever intimidates you just remember that they're 70% water. *Are you afraid of water...?* Well you should be 300,000 people drown every year."

"Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school? A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform."

"* 50 pushups * * 100 situps * * Runs 3 miles * My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions."

"I've just found out why they call it 'Almond Milk'. They tried to call it 'Nut Juice' but no one would buy it."

"Your hips may not lie but your pushup bra is a sociopath."

"Do you know why Cannibals don't eat divorced women? Because they're bitter."