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Joke of the Day

"The ocean isn't shark-infested. It's the ocean. That's where sharks live. We aren't supposed to be there. Humans infest the ocean."

"I like my women how I like my whiskey 12 years old and mixed up with coke"

"What do terrorists eat when its sunny? Choc-ISIS"

"Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant Me: Oh my god [later that day] Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That's for inventing milk"

"My dad turns 60 today. Only 9 more years until I can make the kind of jokes that'll show him what a shining beacon of disappointment I am."

"Told my co-workers this joke about mandatory meetings. You really had to be there."

"All my jokes are lost baggage... You'll get them in a couple days"

"My doctor recommended that I stay away from trans fats I should stop using recipes from tumblr."

"I went to a Pantheist forest yesterday. I tried to read the map, but all it said was, ""You are HERE"""

"My father is invisible... a trans-parent"