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Joke of the Day

"LPT: If you crash into a parked car and don't have a paper and pen.. simply use a key to scratch your insurance details on to the bonnet."

"Guy asked me today if I've ever owned a dog. I was like lmao yeah I own dogs all the time they can't even say shit back"

"Women, If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that'd be greeeat. Sincerely, Men"

"I'd probably die of starvation in England I heard that face sitting is illegal."

"Where does the General keep hs armies? In his sleevies."

"Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in? A: Handcuffs."

"CW: It's 11:11 make a wish. Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face."

"what does pinocchio have for breakfast? oakmeal"

"It's impossible to say ""mesh"" without sounding like Sean Connery... Also you just tried it."

"How can you tell if someone is vegan? They'll fucking tell you!"