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Joke of the Day

"i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon"

"Did you hear they are still going to run the New York Marathon? Phelps is the favourite."

"When I write too fast, my ""E"" looks like a ""G"" making this assignment sheet where I marked several projects as ""DONE"" look pretty weird."

"""Hey guys, I just lost at the Golden Globes!"" - Louis CK, brilliantly introducing himself tonight."

"Why are there no black CIA agents? Because you'd never be able to convince him to help the massive drug smuggling conspiracy that's shipping cocaine into his family's neighborhood."

"ME: I wasn't invited to the party FRIEND: Yeah, people think you're melodramatic ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone"

"In soviet Russia, shop boys pet you! You're welcome."

"*job interview* ""So this yearbook isn't your resume?"" ""No. I'm not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE's."""

"What do you call an all you can eat pizza buffet? Carb Blanche!"

"How many tries does it take to get to the front page? A LOT."