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Joke of the Day

"If you're anxious and you know it...Clasp your hands."

"*Rides unicorn to work* *Gives Bigfoot hi-five* *Chats with mermaids* *Argues with Medusa* *Gets called in to HR* *Fails drug test*"

"Why aren't there any homosexual scholars? Because they can't think straight."

"Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over ? Me: You wanted to watch me lick my ice cream cone ? Cop: Just go please"

"Where does the thumb meet its type? At the SPACE BAR! reddit is fun! I'm staring at the keyboard tryin' to think up a joke and voila'!"

"How do you think the unthinkable? With an ithberg"

"I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying."

"How many dub-step artists does it take to clean a bathtub? 100\. One to actually clean it, and 99 to talk about how dirty it is."

"My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her. It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine."

"You remind me of my pinky toe. You're small, cute, and I'm probably going to bang you on the coffee table later tonight"