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Joke of the Day

"person texting me: hey I'm outside me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON"

"RT = Retweet. PR = Paraphrased tweet. MR = Mangled tweet. Please know which one you are doing and use accordingly."

"What is the difference between San Francisco and Larkspur? Larkspur has a ferry terminal, San Francisco has terminal fairies."

"What do you call it when two cops dance? Pork Grinds"

"14 called me an idiot today No, I don't have a 14-year-old child I mean 14 people"

"On Mondays, Zombies feel alive inside."

"Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself. It's okay, I've had it coming for some time now."

"10, 27, 28, 30, 32 walk into a bar... 10 says ""I'm drinking age, I swear!"" The bartender says ""Outlier!"""

"The second rule of tautology club... is that the first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club."

"idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page"