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Joke of the Day

"I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. ... And does the dishes. Ok this isn't working"

"I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That'll teach 'em. Can't unsee that."

"It's impossible to touch your elbows behind your back. You just pushed your boobs towards me."

"Why is Vanilla Ice scratching his head? Lice. Lice, maybe."

"According to my neighbor's rooster, it's 5am now. Also according to my neighbor's rooster, we're having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow."

"I've given up on cooking. It always starts off well. Then it just turns to shit."

"Yo mamma is so stupid she thought the fast Fourier transform was a way to complete your bachelor's degree."

"A guy once told me life's too short to stress, but it turned out that life's much shorter for people who give advice to stressed out people."

"[roadtrip] ME: I need a bathroom break FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle ME: um...ok...now how am I supposed to wipe?"

"If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear....... Do you think Greece would help?"