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Joke of the Day

"Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life? Me: Define ""someone"" Mom: You know, a boyfriend. Me: Define ""boyfriend"""

"I burnt 1200 calories yesterday! Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven..."

"[in heaven after crucifixion] jesus: ""they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there"" god: [rubbing his neck] ""see the thing is"""

"What is the difference between God and a police officer? God doesn't think he's a police officer."

"My hair is so long, it started growing it's own hair. Don't take that too seriously, it's metafollicle."

"What did the existential pig say? What ham I?"

"Why do women love the smell of babies so much? Because 50% of the taste is in the smell."

"I can't wait until my breasts make milk. Sometimes I get thirsty. And the fridge is all the way over there."

"I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder."

"Two condoms are walking down a street... When they come across a gay bar, one condom turns to the other and asks, ""What do you think? Feel like getting shit-faced tonight?"""