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Joke of the Day
"So I went to a feminist picnic the other day. It was great, but no one would make me a sandwich."
Next Joke
"How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? One to hold it and the rest of the world to spin around them."
"[on the phone with wife] Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin? ""Tell me why."" [winks at tattoo artist] No reason."
"Nobody in this grocery store thinks I'm a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four."
"What's a nature philosopher's favorite rap song? Thoreau some mo'"
"Some people say I am an evil person. But thats not true. I have the heart of a sweet young girl, in a jar under my bed."
"TRUMP: Hillary won't stand up to America's enemies. I will. *Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*"
"What is another name for Santa's elves? Subordinate Clauses! Merry Christmas everyone."
"How do you make a space party? You planet."
"Excuse me, doctor - my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he?"" ""ICU baby, shaking that ass"""