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Joke of the Day

"Sleeping with me is a lot like sleeping with a stuffed animal. But that's only after I've eaten Mexican food."

"My gf texted me ""myspacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative"" Do any of you know what ""ternative"" means?"

"Are you russian? No, I'm not in a hurry."

"Objects on twitter may appear funnier than they are."

"My wife wants to lose some weight,so she is doing a lot of horse riding. and,what are the results? for one week horse lost 20 pounds."

"Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFO's and aliens. Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted"

"I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane"

"A woman gets hit by a car... looks like she got to see how the Mercedes Benz"

"What's the best thing about being a necrophiliac? You don't have to bring the flowers."

"I accidentally swallowed a contact lens today... I've never seen my colon with such clarity before."