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Joke of the Day

"[speed dating] ME: I like your hair HER: OK ME: And your teeth are so smiley HER: You know this is a job interview, right? ME: *rings bell*"

"By fluke, I just learned I could pop the head off a Dora Explorer doll, drill a hole in her leg, fill her with water, and use her as a bong."

"Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out :("

"My friend never shuts up about lemon-lime flavored, caffeine-free sodas To sprite our differences we're still good friends."

"I went to my highschool reunion and came across a woman I'd never seen before. Luckily she didn't notice."

"Remember when Disney used to produce cartoons, not teen sluts?"

"Today my boss fondled my genitals! Being self-employed is great."

"If you make fun of your significant other's love of Hunger Games are you.... Mockin'Bae"

"YOU SHOULD BE CALLED JEHOVAH'S FITNESS! I yell as I lose my breath chasing them down the street."

"Jews be like Nah Way is Jesus the son of God And Christians be like Yahwah!"