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Joke of the Day

"I ate so much at Thanksgiving, I had to loosen my Fitbit. (Credit to my future mother-in-law for this suprise zinger)"

"I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven't eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta."

"""I can't stand when people say they hate both of the presidential candidates."" --Stephen Hawking"

"Skywritten letters: SUSAN I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR"

"I have a dog. He has no legs. I named him ""Cigarette."" And everyday, I take him for a drag."

"For everyone in the working world today: It's a Tuesday... ...which is like a Monday but with steel-toed boots and a slightly lower aim."

"What did Oprah say when she visited Harlem? ""YOU get a father, and YOU get a father, and YOU get a father! Everybody gets a father!!!"

"My boyfriend said we could only get one cat. So I'm only getting one cat. One pregnant cat."

"What did the scientist say to his hot assistant? ""There's only gonna be 7 planets left after I destroy Uranus."""

"Why is six such a nervous number? **sinko says** it's because of some cannibalism story going around."