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Joke of the Day

"I seared steaks in our home without adequate ventilation. Now there's a delightful and very visible meat cloud hanging over us."

"A man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks ""Why the long face?"" He answers, ""because I'm an alcoholic and I'm destroying my family."""

"If that's his reaction to spinach, Popeye should never try cocaine."

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish."

"My family is getting worried about my consumption of deli meats, and I'm not sure what to do... They're trying to pressure me into quitting cold turkey!"

"I was trying to help my family overcome their drug habits... ...but it got too *meth*-y. Ill just let them *weed* themselves out."

"*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do* Wife: Where's Brian? Me: [studying her closely] He's... right here?"

"Unknown numbers calling and leaving 3 seconds of silence as a voicemail is the greatest unsolved mystery of my life."

"What do poor people drink? Pover-tea."

"A guy sees a woman walking her dog... Guy : Wow I didn't know you could walk a cow ! Woman : I'm sorry but this is a dog. Guy : Yes I know, I was talking to the dog."