40195

Joke of the Day

"Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those. Wait. Two. I have 2 kids."

"Did you hear about that hippie superhero who could make tulips and daffodils grow just by sprinkling baking ingredients on them? He said it was his self raising flour power."

"Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers"

"[Clinic waiting room] Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??! Nurse: Sir don't shout that! Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?"

"I've always had a problem finishing what I've started..."

"I like to move it move it You like to move it it"

"some say bill gates named his company after his penis. but Steve jobs named his company after the size of his tumor"

"What is a boxer's favorite meal? Break-fist"

"My cell only calls gay people I think it's a homophone"

"I asked a girl to kiss me under a mistletoe and she said she wouldn't kiss me under anesthesia."