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Joke of the Day

"Happy 47th birthday, teens logging into adults-only websites! And the same to anyone else whose birthday actually *is* January 1st, 1969."

"9 just turned the toaster all the way up and basically made charcoal for breakfast, so I'm ordering new furniture with his college fund."

"I'm on my way to Williston, ND. It's the most in the middle of nowhere I've ever been. I plan to show them the iPad and claim to be Jesus."

"if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank"

"[PRESS CONFERENCE] Me: I'm going on the record. Yes, I'd go back in time to kill a baby Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler? Me: sure, whoever"

"I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn't. So I gave it mouth to mouth."

"The Neverending Story should've just been called Laundry."

"I haven't showered since last year. It's still 2014, right?"

"Women's history isn't a month.... It's only 28 days.... Period."

"Did you see that crazy news story on the internet? Of course. You reddit"