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Joke of the Day

"What did the shirt say to the pants? What's up, britches."

"What's the worst thing to say to a hipster? You remind me of someone"

"{batman walking downstairs} ""Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman's left me a present"" [the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]"

"If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in."

"Dance like the picture's not being tagged. Love like you've never been unfriended. Tweet like no one's following."

"Growing up, I had a best friend. When we first met we didn't see eye to eye, but then he grew on me."

"I won't help a customer with their problem until they've been completely dehumanized."

"10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven't gotten laid since. Well played, God."

"what does my dad and christmas crackers have in common? they show up once a year to make me cringe with their dad jokes, and then give me a shitty gift."

"What do you call a cow abortion? De-calf"