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Joke of the Day

"Whole Foods Cashier: Do you have your grocery bags? Me: Kidding? At $6 an apple you should drive them home and make an apple pie for me."

"Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention ""amnesia pills"" but did anyway? ""No"" excellent."

"I send flowers ""From Steve"" to my neighbors wife every Friday night, then watch them fight from my living room window while eating popcorn"

"I miss the good ol' days, when no one had a clue what 'gluten' was."

"Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A: A chain saw has a dynamic range."

"Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald's deep fryer"

"* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *"

"New studies show 9/10 people enjoy gang rape."

"A girl walks into a bar and ask the bartender for a double entendre so he gives it to her."

"Her: My baby is 28 months old. Me: Oh really? I'm 74 inches tall. Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?"