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Joke of the Day

"Saturday in my 20's: ""Nice, this club is hot! gimme a Vodka tonic!"" Tonight: ""Nice, grocery store is empty, ooh I got coupon for that !!"""

"Sex with two is a twosome, sex with three is a threesome. Why do you think guys are called handsome?"

"""I"" before ""E"", except after ""C"". That's an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep...efficient."

"I just saw the most beautiful girl, but she was wearing those huge sunglasses so there is still a chance she's a 1200 pound rhinoceros."

"If you wear a man bun in a dimly lit restaurant and I call you ma'am... That's on you."

"They should make supermarket camouflage. So people you know won't see you and want to talk to you."

"Son: ""Mom, Dad we need to talk.... I'm a vegan"" **Mom cries running out the room Dad: Why can't you just have a normal eating disorder?"

"If H20 is on the inside of fire hydrants, what is on the outside? K9P."

"Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria's Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend."

"I've just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday. I guess I'll never know why he so badly wanted an ex box."